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www.kevacho.com
©2002-2010
Kevin Michael Vance
Writer - Portland, Oregon
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When creating this spot for my web page I was trying to think of how I might best not come off as the biggest buffoon on the forehead of this great, big, planet. Then I realized something... I am human. For me this bespeaks volumes. It means that I am fallible, that I am not perfect. I have made mistakes, am making mistakes even as I write this, and will, inevitably, make mistakes in the future. When I wax romantically about myself and my role in this cosmic-shit tub we all dubiously call life I like to think of myself as the warrior- strong, loyal, full of discipline and honor. In reality, there are parts of me that follow those codes, but more to the point, I am a worker, and very proud of that. I finish what I start. I relish the journey. And I live... as well as any 38-year-old white male could hope to live in this world of skewed ideals and twisted attitudes (holy crap! I wrote this drivel five years ago. How time light speeds).
Suffice it to say, here within these "random thoughts" I will contradict myself, I will be wrong in some points and right in others, and I will make mistakes. However, as always, I hope in a small way that you, the reader, might garner a modicum of enjoyment.
Hell! I know I do. |
June 06, 2010
Stream of consciousness...
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Where are we as a society, as a civilization? Are we kind? Are we generous? Are we the better part of civility, or the worst? Bust a hole in the ocean floor and watch the thousands upon thousands of crude oil spew into the gulf coast and what do we do? Stand on the shore and point. Motion for others to step in and do something. Give the president and the company responsible for such a devastating act, a simple, painless slap on the proverbial and theoretical wrist.
I don't know. I truly don't. The only thing I know is this: the older I get, the less and less I want to be a part of what the world and America is becoming. Selfishly, I want to live away from society, write my stories, play my silly games, and live the remainder of my life in some vague simulacrum of peace and solitude. Because, what I see on a daily basis, in my work and personal life, is a society and a civilization that is cannibalizing its self, chomping away at the very heart and intellect of what makes a community, a society, civil. And what is that, what is the heart and mind of civility? To me, it has, and will always be, simple. The foundation of civilization is communication and manners- decorum, if you will. Nothing happens if we cannot, or even refuse to, communicate with one another, and forward motion, an impetus towards progress and change, can never happen without decorum, without some basic understating of the inherent virtues as such age-old ideologies as honor and respect. Unless, of course, our society and culture is fast moving towards a state of totalitarianism; which, I realize (sometimes painfully) American culture has been leaning towards, more and more, in the past few decades. Without the basic concept of manners- knowing that, there is a right and a wrong way in which to deal with your fellow American- society is lost. I believe this is the road, knowingly or unwittingly, that society has chosen to trudge. And I also believe that in the end, it will lead to our inevitable doom. I see so much lack of communication, so many rude people and so few polite and decent folk that it saddens me. I admit I am bitter and I am cynical. Nor have I ever been a strong proponent of society on a whole. I have, in fact, struggled to go my own way and clear my own path. And in so doing, I have striven to live with precepts garnered from a myriad of sources, my own code of conduct. As well as to live with as open and honest a heart as I could have mustered. No one is perfect, and none of us is perfect. But think about the people in your life. Not the people that you know intimately, but the people who pass through your life: your grocer, your waiter or waitress, your cashier, your "gas-pumper", your cook. Lift your eyes from your "blackberry", pull the ear "buds" and the "blue-tooth" from your ears and realize, truly realize, that real life, your life, is passing you by. You don't know it yet, because you're so entranced by what is happening out "there" and not giving proper attention to what is happening right in front of your own down-turned nose, but the opportunities and chances you so desperately cry for might be staring you in the face.
Just a thought.
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May 20, 2010
The pain of growing old...
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I don't really know how much more can be taken from my father. He was robbed of his dignity months ago, as well as his pride. His intelligence and wit have slowly bled out of him, leaving him struggling for even the simplest words, the most basic phrases. I want to love him. I want him to know that I am there. But in truth, I also don't want to see him the way he is. I want to remember my father as the man he so strongly struggled to be, not some wasted body to weak to stand, or grasp a spoon.
I love you dad. I hope whatever peace, and or calm, you may garner in the remaining nights and days of your life comes quickly and quietly. I hope on some level you are happy.
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March 05, 2010
Life... again.
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Thursday of this week was one of the most difficult days of my life; topping even the day Mel divorced me through email. Put my pop in a nursing home. Not much to say, except it was very, very sad. It was hard to leave my father in the care of strangers. Hard to think they will love him the way that he should be loved. Harder still, was to say goodbye when the fear and the concern and the worry ran from his eyes like tears. On the other hand, knowing that it is the best thing to do for all concerned, the best thing for him, and the best thing for us, the family. Watching your body and muscles and reflexes go to shit is one thing, to a certain degree that is, for every damned last one of us, inexorable. But watching a mind fall to pieces, crumbling away like clay, until you, the individual, are robbed of everything- pride, humanity, pleasure- quite literally everything that made you -- you, is far more arduous than anything I could have ever imagined, and something I would not wish upon my worst of enemies.
I love you, dad.
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March 02, 2010
Interesting...
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So, it appears I truly pissed someone off concerning my last Random Thoughts entry. (Obviously, I'm doing something right.) I am, otherwise, involved in an extremely delicate and sensitive matter, but will soon post this woman's ravings. I do believe all will get quite kick out of it.
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